MOP SHOE
MOP SHOE
The conception of the mop shoe marks the event horizon of capitalism, an inescapable black hole of products that should never exist. It will lead Britain to a future plagued with middle-class mums doing "Mopasize". Spondoolicks is the answer to the question, “Should I buy another redundant domestic gadget?” and the answer is always yes.
GRUEL
Life is far too fast for food. Having to drink your lunch because you are being crushed by corporate greed is not a symptom of a sick society; instead, it’s the product of a very efficient one. You’re not the bottom line—you’re the big dog, making calls, getting meetings, and Gruel is the only way you’ll manage to squeeze it all in.
Green Goo
The microwave sits at the bleeding edge of innovation, creating a new way to consume some of the most highly processed foods science has to offer. Whole foods are becoming a thing of the past, with Spondoolick’s newest endeavour allowing “Green Goo” to be heated and eaten at a moment’s notice—while also costing a fraction of the price of a nutritionally dense meal that you likely couldn’t afford anyway.
School of hard knocks
When life becomes overwhelming, escape it by reliving it through the pure immersion of a board game—the most realistic depiction of reality achievable with cardboard, small plastic pieces, and the highest percentage of alcohol money can buy. You’ve had your bread; now indulge in the circus that is Spondoolick’s School of Hard Knocks
CIGS
Ever imagined a cigarette that’s 20 times stronger? “No?” Well, we sure have. Should we? never even entered the Spondoolick’s R&D team’s minds—when “could we?” , and £3 million in government funding sounded a lot more appealing. Just another way to more effectively get cancer, with the smokey, woody taste Spondoolicks Tobacco is known for.
Hammering Home
Have you ever wanted to own a home? Better yet, rent for life and line the pockets of this nation’s poor landlords. You can look, but you can’t touch—and definitely can’t afford. So join George Adams on Hammering Home as he crushes first-time buyers’ hopes of ever getting on the property ladder, while Spondoolicks continues buying up cheap, liveable properties and replacing them with lovely, expensive new ones.
Digging Up
The British staple of grave robbing is now streaming to your home in glorious 720p. Join Doug Upp as he uncovers treasures on stolen land and repeatedly embarrasses himself in front of his family or dare I say, old family. Spondoolicks strives to provide the most entertaining media money can buy: middle-aged men in muddy fields desperately trying to find ancient relics while arguing over bottle caps and bits of rusted spoon. Hold on to your wellington boots it’s going to be a wild ride
Impartial News” prides itself on its up-to-date and unbiased takes. I mean, how could a news station run by the largest and best mega-conglomerate in the world be susceptible to bribes, brand deals, and creating political upheaval? The news is a means to an end: the means being messaging that tells you what you want to hear every 24-hour cycle, and the end being the impending culture war that distracts from the “much less important” and silly class war. So don’t overthrow your oppressors; instead, be angry at your neighbours. All this and more, tonight on “Impartial News.
Impartial news
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